- Finding a therapist can be tricky and time-consuming.
- But staying with a therapist who isn't a fit can be a waste of money and even bad for your health.
- A therapist shared the red flags to look out for, as well as more subtle signs to look elsewhere.
Finding a therapist who works for you can take time and effort, from searching ones that fit your schedule to figuring out your insurance. Naturally, when you find one who's relatively affordable and can generally treat what you're looking for help with, it's tempting to stay.
But there are many reasons why a therapist might not be a great fit for you, or it's time to take a break.
"I think we've done a better job as a society about access," Dr. Colleen Marshall, LMFT and VP of the therapy service Two Chairs, told Business Insider. "But what we haven't done a great job at is really focus on the quality of the care you're getting."
While there might be many therapists to choose from, Marshall said only about 20% actually measure progress in sessions — something she believes is vital to improvement and recovery.
Marshall explained some of the common reasons a therapist might be a bad fit for you (or in some cases, for anyone). She also shared how to tell if you're ready to quit therapy in general if you've been going for a while.
1. Therapy should push your boundaries — but not too far
To an extent, proper therapy can be a little uncomfortable, Marshall said. You might have to be vulnerable about a topic you've never opened up about or make more of an effort in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Marshall said the key is your therapist respecting your boundaries — and making it clear that there's a benefit to their approach.
"It's a lot about you feeling safe," she said. "You feel taken care of, so if they're having you look at something hard or pushing you a little bit, it's for your own best interest." She likened it to the feeling of a good coach — someone who encourages you to dig deeper and try harder, without unnecessarily pushing you past your limit.
2. They seem checked out
Therapists can have problems, too. "They can start having substance use issues or their own mental health struggles," Marshall said.
If your therapist seems intoxicated or just out of it in sessions, it's worth listening to your gut. Because a therapist who seems depleted or zoned out is probably not going to be able to help you.
3. You get along well but don't fully click
You might have a perfectly cordial relationship with your therapist but not have much of a spark with them. As a result, you might feel bored or even misunderstood.
If you are starting to feel frustrated at the end of, before, or during sessions, take an inventory.
What style of therapy are you looking for, and has that changed? "Do you want someone who's expressive?" Marshall, whose company match-makes clients with therapists, said. "Do you want someone who is more controlling in the session? Do you want to process more? Do you want homework?"
Perhaps the style is right, but you're looking for a different perspective. Marshall said identity can be really important. For instance, if you're a first-generation child of Chinese immigrants, you might seek out a therapist with a similar background who can better understand some of those cultural nuances.
If nothing else, she said you shouldn't feel like your therapist is judging or misunderstanding you. If so, that's a sign that you simply don't click.
Marshall, whose company match-makes clients with therapists, feels many people skip crucial vibe-checking steps when they're looking for a therapist in the first place. Then, when they have zero chemistry with a therapist their colleague recommended, they blame themselves or stick with someone they just don't connect with.
"People ask their friends and family for a referral," she said. "But it is like me asking my sister for a referral of who she's dating. I don't want to date who my sister dates."
4. You don't notice a positive difference in your life
Marshall believes therapists should track their clients' progress via surveys like the Patient Health Questionaire (PHQ-9). But seeing as not everyone does, it's good practice to take note of any changes on your own.
Even if it's small at first, incremental improvement indicates that the therapy is working for you, she said. For example, if you're in therapy for depression, knowing that you went from leaving your house once a week to going for a walk every day is a sign in the right direction.
Lack of progress can also guide you to therapy that suits you better. If you have relationship OCD, talk therapy can sometimes lead to more rumination; in some cases, behavioral therapy geared towards OCD symptoms may feel like a more effective strategy to help you move forward.
"If we're not seeing the symptoms that you came in for getting better, then something's wrong," Marshall said.
5. It's not them; it's therapy
If you've been going to therapy for a while and feel better, it's actually healthy to quit, Marshall said.
"Some folks think you go to therapy forever, and it's just sort of like a support system that you have," she said, rather than having time-limited goals. "People should be able to go to therapy, learn whatever they need to learn, leave, go live their life, and then come back again if something else happens. They shouldn't be dependent on therapy their whole life."
If you try to quit, a therapist might bring up that you have more work to do. Technically, Marshall said, there's always more to explore with therapy. But it depends on your goals.
"Ask 'What specifically have we not accomplished that you think we still need to accomplish?'" she said. For example, your therapist might say you could work on intimacy in your marriage, but you don't feel that's a crucial issue right now.
A good therapist will leave the door open for you to come back if you ever need to.